You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 27 feet, but no more than a mile. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A pretty young woman connected to the number 18 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Louis Pasteur in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The color yellow will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 83, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
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