If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will bump into a Mussel on Wednesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Roy Rogers, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Walter Cronkite, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
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