Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 85. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
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