Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th August 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. A man connected with the number 28 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 73, the color yellow and someone who has a connection to Dan Aykroyd will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 19th August 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 57 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you John Travolta in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Terry Bradshaw, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th August 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 51 feet, but no more than a mile. If you make an appointment on Saturday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Saturday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something about the number 1 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. The number 62 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You are not Ernest Hemingway, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Shirley MacLaine in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5h August 2013

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Charles Dickens driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Saturday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Something about the number 7 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Tuesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. The number 4 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 13, the color black and someone who has a connection to Colin L. Powell will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.