The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Colin L. Powell in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
A man connected with the number 69 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug
July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 85, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If you see anybody this week who looks like Yogi Berra, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Monday, September 22, 2014
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd September 2014
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Wednesday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like C. G. Jung, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Why will the color red be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Wednesday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Friday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like C. G. Jung, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th September 2014
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Ernest Hemingway and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 18, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Steve Martin will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Look yourself in the mirror on Saturday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Ernest Hemingway and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 18, the color blue and someone who has a connection to Steve Martin will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Look yourself in the mirror on Saturday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th September 2014
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st September 2014
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Hold a dinner party on Saturday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Bill Cosby driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Hold a dinner party on Saturday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Bill Cosby driving a black car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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