Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th September 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.