The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Sunday.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. If you see anybody this week who looks like Herman Cain, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jim Carrey, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug
July 26th
Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Something involving the color pink will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 30, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd June 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
The number 1 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like John Lennon. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
The number 1 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like John Lennon. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th June 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Saturday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Thursday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Should you wear pink on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. The number 45 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Terry Bradshaw. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Weird Al Yankovick at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Saturday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Thursday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Should you wear pink on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. The number 45 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Terry Bradshaw. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Weird Al Yankovick at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Sunday. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th June 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you see anybody this week who looks like Doris Day, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A pretty young woman connected to the number 87 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. On Monday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you see anybody this week who looks like Doris Day, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A pretty young woman connected to the number 87 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. On Monday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
Monday, June 1, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st June 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Dan Aykroyd, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 4 feet, but no more than a mile. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Tuesday who looks at all like Dan Aykroyd, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 4 feet, but no more than a mile. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Thursday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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