Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd June 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The number 1 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Tuesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
On Tuesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like John Lennon. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.