Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th September 2005

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 23 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A man connected with the number 90 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Saturday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Michael Jackson will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing blue If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Sunday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color black. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Monday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.