The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you see anybody this week who looks like Dr. Seuss, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
The number 61 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug
July 26th
This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Margaret Thatcher, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Nathaniel Hawthorne a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd November 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 30 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. The number 76 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 32. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 65 feet, but no more than a mile. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. When you and a Limpet get together on Tuesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 30 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. The number 76 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 32. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 65 feet, but no more than a mile. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. When you and a Limpet get together on Tuesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th November 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 26. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. On Friday, the color purple, the number 51 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Look yourself in the mirror on Tuesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 26. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. On Friday, the color purple, the number 51 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Look yourself in the mirror on Tuesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th November 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On Wednesday night you will dream of being Jesse Jackson. You won't know why until the following Monday when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Something about the number 15 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dan Aykroyd. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On Wednesday night you will dream of being Jesse Jackson. You won't know why until the following Monday when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Look yourself in the mirror on Friday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Something about the number 15 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dan Aykroyd. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd November 2015
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You are not Helen Keller, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? On Sunday night you will dream of being Julia Roberts. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You are not Helen Keller, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? On Sunday night you will dream of being Julia Roberts. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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