Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th November 2015

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you see anybody this week who looks like Dr. Seuss, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The number 61 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Monday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Margaret Thatcher, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Nathaniel Hawthorne a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.