Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th January 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Valerie Harper and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
You have dandruff, do something about it! On Saturday, the number 10 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Sunday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. On Sunday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Wednesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.