The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Alexander Graham Bell. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You are not Hank Aaron, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug
July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 50, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Should you wear blue on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
Monday, June 27, 2016
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th June 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th June 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Ronald Regan and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Should you wear yellow on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Ronald Regan and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Should you wear yellow on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.
The Slug July 26th
This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th June 2016
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Dave Letterman and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Dave Letterman and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Monday this week. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
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