Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th June 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Ronald Regan and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Should you wear yellow on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.