Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th December 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Should you wear white on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. In a parallel universe you were born as Henry A. Kissinger. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Get out and enjoy life on Thursday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Thursday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Bob Hope in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Mr. Rogers, Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.