Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th June 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Don't leave your house on Sunday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Sunday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.