Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th February 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Why will the color pink be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Take extra special care on Saturday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Something about the number 3 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Monday will keep your mind occupied. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.