Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th October 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. The number 28 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 32 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Jim Carrey, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.