The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Gandhi, Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug
July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 43 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 28, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
Sunday, July 26, 2020
Sunday, July 19, 2020
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th July 2020
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. The number 4 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing red. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This might be a very important week for your career, especially if you carry a jar of mustard with you everywhere you go.
The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. The number 4 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing red. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Don't leave your house on Thursday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
Sunday, July 12, 2020
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th July 2020
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you George Washington in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you George Washington in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. On Saturday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Sunday, July 5, 2020
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th July 2020
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Sean Connery will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Pelé, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Henri Mancini at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 67, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Sean Connery will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Pelé, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Monday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Sunday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Monday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Henri Mancini at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Thursday, and when connected to the number 67, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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