Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th July 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Gandhi, Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A man connected with the number 43 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 28, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Wednesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.