Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th December 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? On Tuesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 80 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Monday who looks at all like Aristotle, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Tuesday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th December 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Lewis Carrol. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Isaac Newton and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 88. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th December 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Elvis Presley, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The number 37 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Hook up with an Octopus on Saturday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. On Sunday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th December 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. A man connected with the number 12 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Avoid the number 81 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Monday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Something about the number 96 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. Something involving the color purple will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Augustus Caesar a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.