How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Lewis Carrol. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Isaac Newton and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 88. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
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