Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like C. S. Lewis, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
The number 70 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Monday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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