Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You are not Margaret Thatcher, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Miles Davis, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. On Sunday, the color blue, the number 91 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The number 0 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Take extra special care on Monday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not David Beckham at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. The number 76 will have special significance on Monday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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