A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
In a parallel universe you were born as Michael J. Fox. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 52, the color purple and someone who has a connection to John F. Kennedy, Jr. will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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