Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th November 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Monday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 65 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Wednesday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Friday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Sunday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th November 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 80, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Should you wear pink on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Friday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th November 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like John F. Kennedy, Jr., then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th November 2024

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Michelangelo driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. On Friday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something involving the color yellow will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

[?2004h