A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like John F. Kennedy, Jr., then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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