Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th May 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Tuesday this week. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 97, the color green and someone who has a connection to C. G. Jung will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Monday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Miles Davis, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Thursday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5 May 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 52, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Whoopi Goldberg and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. On Sunday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Thursday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Chevy Chase then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. Tuesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th April 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Columbus. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Should you wear white on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Thursday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

The number 97 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st April 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Friday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Try relaxing on Tuesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th April 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Bill Cosby. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th April 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Tuesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. On Friday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Hook up with an Octopus on Friday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. On Sunday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Pablo Piccaso will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 23 feet, but no more than a mile. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st March 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 11 feet, but no more than a mile. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Hook up with an Octopus on Thursday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Madonna, You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A man connected with the number 18 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Avoid the number 21 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A man connected with the number 44 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th March 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. A pretty young woman connected to the number 8 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th March 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 30. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Wednesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Sunday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. When you and a Limpet get together on Monday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th March 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Mother Teresa and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you see anybody this week who looks like Andy Griffith, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Monday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like William James. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Pelé in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Avoid the number 46 if possible on Wednesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

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Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd March 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Wednesday who looks at all like Chevy Chase, then you should kiss them without hesitation.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Get out and enjoy life on Tuesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Bill Gates will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing pink On Friday night you will dream of being Terry Bradshaw. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

On Sunday, the number 44 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Friday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The number 33 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Bob Dylan, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Monday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th February 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something about the number 41 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid the number 79 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Alfred Hitchcock at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Tuesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th February 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You are not James Dean, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. On Wednesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th February 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 51, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Dick Van Dyke will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Avoid the number 45 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 15, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd February 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Paul McCartney. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Should you wear green on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. On Tuesday night you will dream of being Norman Rockwell. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Avoid the number 69 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A man connected with the number 28 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th January 2025

[?2004l The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Avoid the number 53 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Alexander Graham Bell and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 39, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Charlie Brown will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Hook up with an Octopus on Sunday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

You will go to an auction on Saturday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. On Sunday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

[?2004h

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th January 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Tuesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Something about the number 26 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Thursday will keep your mind occupied. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. A pretty young woman connected to the number 1 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Saturday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color white. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.