Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th December 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color red. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Avoid the number 45 if possible on Thursday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't leave your house on Friday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 10. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Monday. It will impress a secret admirer. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Sunday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Colin L. Powell, Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color white. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 43. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 15 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

On Sunday, the number 39 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like John Lennon then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 7 feet, but no more than a mile. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th December 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Should you wear green on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Saturday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You are not Clint Eastwood, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. On Thursday, the number 50 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News. The number 9 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A purple car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

On Monday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 82, the color white and someone who has a connection to John Katz will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Try relaxing on Thursday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th December 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st December 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Thursday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 43 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Friday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If you wear too much make-up on Saturday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. On Thursday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th November 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Should you wear pink on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Thursday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Saturday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like William F. Buckley, Jr.. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Herman Cain will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th November 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Thursday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Get the guys or girls around your place on Friday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Henri Mancini will shower you with unusual gifts on Saturday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A man connected with the number 39 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th November 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. On Wednesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 12. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd November 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Friday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Columbus, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

The number 27 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A man connected with the number 38 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. A man connected with the number 39 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th October 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A pretty young woman connected to the number 36 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Friday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Hook up with an Octopus on Sunday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color pink. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Michael J. Jordan then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th October 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color green. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Wednesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A man connected with the number 75 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Nathaniel Hawthorne. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Friday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Friday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th October 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Thursday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. You will go to an auction on Monday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 56 feet, but no more than a mile. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Charles Dickens. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dan Rather. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th October 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The number 60 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 95 feet, but no more than a mile. On Thursday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. The number 60 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Dave Letterman in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. On Thursday night you will dream of being Peyton Manning. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Susan B. Anthony, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Thursday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th September 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A man connected with the number 0 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. On Monday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. A green car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Tuesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You are not Helen Keller, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Thursday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Get the guys or girls around your place on Friday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd September 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Hold a dinner party on Sunday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like General Norman Schwarzkopf driving a yellow car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? The number 43 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Get the guys or girls around your place on Friday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid the number 91 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Wednesday this week. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dr. Seuss. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Beethoven a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th September 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 19, the color red and someone who has a connection to Bill Clinton will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Thursday. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Friday. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th September 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. The color red will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 36, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Ben Franklin a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.