Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Bill Cosby. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.
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