December 2nd - February 19th
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. On Thursday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Friday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Hook up with an octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Saturday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug
July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Saturday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of clams. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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