Sunday, March 14, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th March 2010

December 2nd - February 19th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. On Monday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

February 20th - March 9th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.

March 10th - May 1st

Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

May 2nd - June 2nd

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

June 3rd - July 25th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. On Tuesday, the color green, the number 67 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

July 27th - August 19th

There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Michelangelo will shower you with unusual gifts on Saturday. This will only happen though if you are wearing pink The number 96 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

August 20th - October 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Marilyn Monroe, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

October 1st - October 29th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

October 30th - December 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

1 comment:

leondavis3@gmail.com said...

Well I don't set May 15th

But that O.K.