Monday, May 24, 2010

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th May 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

The number 47 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Sunday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Darth Vader and Tiger Woods.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Charlie Brown, Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 88 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug
July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

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