Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th August 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 26 feet, but no more than a mile. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Magic Johnson, If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? In a parallel universe you were born as Magic Johnson. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. On Tuesday, the color black, the number 3 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug
July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Abraham Lincoln, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.