Sunday, July 6, 2014

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th July 2014

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Friday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw is the time to try. Something about the number 23 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Tuesday will keep your mind occupied. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.

The Slug July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Saturday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. The number 37 will be a powerful omen for you this Thursday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Monday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

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