Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 26th December 2016

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. The color blue will be very important to you this week. Especially on Sunday, and when connected to the number 52, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A orange car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Friday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Dan Aykroyd, How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. In a parallel universe you were born as Ernest Hemingway. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Wednesday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.