Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th December 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A man connected with the number 35 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Sunday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Magic Johnson. Does this matter? Only time will tell. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Saturday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Isaac Newton, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.