Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd January 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. The number 40 will have special significance on Sunday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Monday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Something involving the color black will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Wednesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Remember, your lips are sealed. If you happened to disclose a certain secret to a certain someone this week, then a certain career (i.e. yours) might be ruined.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. On Monday, the color red, the number 18 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Wednesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 53. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Tuesday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Thursday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Should you wear white on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Paul Harvey a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.