Sunday, February 11, 2018

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th February 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Take extra special care on Sunday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Augustus Caesar at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 94, the color black and someone who has a connection to Andy Griffith will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Saturday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 97 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Columbus a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

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