Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th March 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 86 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Pelé will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing blue Sometimes it is good to try something new. Monday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.