Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st October 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Friday. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Something about the number 39 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Saturday will keep your mind occupied. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th
Hanging out with a Scallop on Tuesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Look yourself in the mirror on Wednesday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper. You should no longer trust this person, even if you are married to them.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.