Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th May 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't leave your house on Tuesday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Why will the color white be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Saturday. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Saturday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Peter Jennings, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Saturday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 46, the color green and someone who has a connection to W.C.Fields will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Sunday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.