Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Mark Twain. Does this matter? Only time will tell. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Sigourney Weaver, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Napoleon, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. On Monday, the color white, the number 82 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Sunday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Saturday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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