Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 54, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Sunday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you make an appointment on Monday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Something about the number 61 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Sunday will keep your mind occupied. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A pretty young woman connected to the number 14 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
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