A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 94. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Wednesday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. On Thursday night you will dream of being Helen Keller. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Friday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Tuesday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Saturday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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