Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st June 2009

The Barnacle

December 2nd - February 19th

Wednesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail

February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet

March 10th - May 1st

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.

The Clam

May 2nd - June 2nd

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.

The Squid

June 3rd - July 25th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. On Wednesday, the color orange, the number 57 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug

July 26th

Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster

July 27th - August 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Sunday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop

August 20th - October 1st

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus

October 1st - October 29th

This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing pink. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel

October 30th - December 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 10, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th May 2009

The Barnacle

December 2nd - February 19th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail

February 20th - March 9th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Saturday. It will impress a secret admirer. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.

The Limpet

March 10th - May 1st

Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam

May 2nd - June 2nd

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid

June 3rd - July 25th

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug

July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails? Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster

July 27th - August 19th

A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop

August 20th - October 1st

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Thursday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus

October 1st - October 29th

The number 51 will be a powerful omen for you this Monday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel

October 30th - December 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th May 2009

The Barnacle

December 2nd - February 19th

Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail

February 20th - March 9th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 98. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet

March 10th - May 1st

Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be hearbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam

May 2nd - June 2nd

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Sunday.

The Squid

June 3rd - July 25th

A man connected with the number 74 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Tuesday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug

July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster

July 27th - August 19th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop

August 20th - October 1st

You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus

October 1st - October 29th

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing orange. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel

October 30th - December 1st

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. The number 10 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th May 2009

The Barnacle

December 2nd - February 19th

If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail

February 20th - March 9th

Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. This is certainly a week where if you see a slug, then you should given them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet

March 10th - May 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam

May 2nd - June 2nd

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Sunday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You know a squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of clam-support.

The Squid

June 3rd - July 25th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug

July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Hanging out with a Scallop on Friday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault.

The Oyster

July 27th - August 19th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Take extra special care on Friday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop

August 20th - October 1st

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus

October 1st - October 29th

You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel

October 30th - December 1st

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th May 2009

The Barnacle

December 2nd - February 19th

This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail

February 20th - March 9th

Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Avoid roller-coasters at *all* costs on Monday.

The Limpet

March 10th - May 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam

May 2nd - June 2nd

It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid

June 3rd - July 25th

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Tuesday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug

July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster

July 27th - August 19th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop

August 20th - October 1st

Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus

October 1st - October 29th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Sunday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.

The Mussel

October 30th - December 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.