Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th July 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Meet up with a squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 97. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Tell someone that they look great...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug
July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th July 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why will the color blue be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Thursday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 12th July 2009

The Barnacle

December 2nd - February 19th

A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail

February 20th - March 9th

Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet

March 10th - May 1st

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam

May 2nd - June 2nd

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Monday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about.

The Squid

June 3rd - July 25th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Saturday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Friday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug

July 26th

It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster

July 27th - August 19th

Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. On Sunday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop

August 20th - October 1st

The number 5 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! A clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus

October 1st - October 29th

Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 11 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel

October 30th - December 1st

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 5th July 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? On Wednesday, the color red, the number 91 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug
July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Now is not the time to shed a tear. Now is the time to weep uncontrollably. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. On Monday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. The number 50 will have special significance on Tuesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.