Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th July 2009

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Why will the color blue be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Wednesday. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Thursday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug
July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). If someone offers you any food this week, then beware! It might be spiked with pepper.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.