December 2nd - February 19th
Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Darth Vader. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. A man connected with the number 24 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug
July 26th
Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Sunday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.
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