Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th June 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Sunday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 48. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

The number 44 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. On Monday night you will dream of being Colin L. Powell. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug
July 26th

There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st June 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Monday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 90. If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Thursday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug
July 26th

You need to talk to people to tell them how you really feel about things. They desperately want to know how you feel. Well, maybe not desperately. Actually, they don't really want to know how you feel...or even if you are still drawing breath. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Sunday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. Take a Scallop and a Snail. Two very similar Mollusks who are also so entirely different. On Sunday you will find out just how similar or different you are when you will be inadvertently stuck in a toilet cubicle with said Snail.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th June 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. The number 44 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug
July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Gloria Steinem, This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 71, the color white and someone who has a connection to Dan Rather will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th June 2010

The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail
February 20th - March 9th

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st

In a parallel universe you were born as Sigourney Weaver. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 25 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd

Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Wednesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th

Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug
July 26th

You have dandruff, do something about it! You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. The number 87 will be important for you this week. This will possibly be an amount of money that you will lose, or the number of days you might be held for questioning by the police.

The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Do you know a Limpet? Do you want to know a Limpet? If the answer is yes, then on Tuesday night make your way to where the cool people go. And take lots of loose change with you.

The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st

A pretty young woman connected to the number 94 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Thomas Edison at all.

The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. If a Snail tries buying your affections by spending vast amounts on money on you, then don't fall for it. It may make you happy, but happiness is not everything...at least not when the Snail in question has spent time inside for attempted manslaughter.

The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st

Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.