December 2nd - February 19th
Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. The number 44 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Making more room for music this week will ease current frustrations. The more avant-garde the music the better, and 50's Jazz will particularly prove helpful. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Sunday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug
July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Gloria Steinem, This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. On Saturday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 71, the color white and someone who has a connection to Dan Rather will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
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